Three years ago, we moved from New York to California. Our decision to do this was primarily based on the fact that my husband and I were very tired of NY winters. We lived in NY all of our lives and once we were in our 40's, we decided to move.
In addition to the winters, we (my family and I) had all just survived a journey through Breast Cancer World. I say "we," because it wasn't just me that had to deal with this beast; our whole family had to defeat this wicked disease. We made a decision to put the house on the market, load the family van up with our prized possessions, put the rest of our goods on a moving van, and drive; drive 3,014 mile cross country with the 100-lb black lab, our cat Mallory, the lizard, and three kids to a home we only saw via the Internet. Crazy, or just plain insane?
Rewind this story five years, to August, 2002. My father had just died at age 67 from a stroke. My mom spent three years taking care of him, only to not take care of herself. She often said that everyone always asked how "Dad" was doing. No one ever asked her how "she" was doing." To be honest; it wrecked her, and to her, it seemed no one cared.
After Dad died, I went back to my house and tried to get back into my world. I had a mammogram scheduled in October and I just had a "feeling." This "feeling" could have been contributed by the fact that in my immediate family (my Mom's sister, my Dad's sisters - Cindy and Cathy, my cousin Courtney (Cindy's daughter) and my sister Kelley) all had had breast cancer. I was to be number "6." I was considered a "late bloomer" in reference to the age I was at the time I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, afterall I was 39. My sister was 36, my two Aunts were in their 20's and my cousin Courtney was 29. After my mammogram, the radiologist had me come into a separate room, where he tried to tell me his thoughts. Before he could speak I told him that I knew what he was about to say - that I had cancer. I told him it was ok, as I was expecting to get it at some point.
I told my husband (on our 15th wedding anniversary) and our kids. I tried to put on the brave face. People gave advice, telling me that a good attitude was the best thing and that I would definitely survive if I had a great attitude. I wanted to ask them if I felt like having a shitty attitude, would I die much quicker, and get it over with? One lady who found out through the grapevine that I had cancer asked me if I would die soon. Although I wanted to beat her with a stick, I nicely responded with "I hope not" - (rule #1, great attitude).
Telling my mom was a bit harder as she had already lost one daughter from cancer and just buried her husband 3 weeks before. I'm pretty sure that my mom made a deal with a higher power, trading her life for mine, as she died two months later. I decided to have a double (thank you bartender; I'll have a double) mastectomy and no reconstruction. My sister had reconstruction immediately after her mastectomy, and there ended up being a 2nd tumor behind the implant, which was not detected. I felt like a little boy with no breasts and no hair anywhere on my body. I felt between losing my dad, my mom, and myself all within 19 weeks - I had reached the lowest possible point in my life. I did speak to God one night and I told him how much I appreciated the fact that he had so much faith in me but, I was ok with him moving on and testing someone else for a while.
One night, sitting on the couch, feeling nothing my self pity, I started to cry. Chuck looked at me and asked why I was crying, to which I responded - "I miss my Mom." Chuck would not allow me any pity; he knew I would have to be pushed at some point. Chuck looked at me and said "Well, there are 3 kids in this house that miss their mom, too." Talk about a kick in the chest, but it was what I needed, as I was starting to wonder "what if?" The day before this, I had allowed the "what if's" to almost get me; I went to the store and purchased birthday cards for all of my children until they would turn 18. I signed them all as if I would not be alive to give them the cards in person. I definitely needed a wake up call, which Chuck (thankfully) provided. My good friend Kit also gave me a get going smack. She said to me "Kandee, you've always known you were going to get the cancer, now you've got it, deal with it and get on with your life" - (my friends definately hold me accountable). OUCH!!
Before the start of my chemo, the oncology nurse had to come in and take some blood from me. She got down on her knees and prepared my food for the needle; I looked at her and said, "So, Dr. Yirinik, is he any good?" - His nurse responded with "Yes, I would trust him with my life." To that I replied - "I am."
I remember one time we went to Niagara Falls for a well-deserved get-away with the kids. I put on my wig (which resembled a dead cat) and strapped on my fake boobs. We went to a nice restaurant overlooking the falls for a nice dinner. I felt like the everyone in the restaurant knew that I was bald and sporting a set of falsies. I felt humiliated and never again wore that cat on my head.
After eight rounds of chemotherapy and six weeks of daily radiation, I was done. I often refer to the ending of my treatment as my "rebirth," as it took nine months to transform from the old person I would no longer ever be. The final week of radiation occurred near July 4th. I remember sitting on a bridge in Rochester, watching the fireworks explode. In my mind, I related the fireworks exploding to the radiation exploding my cancer. With every exploding light and flicker of a firework was an exploding demolition of anotherone of my cancer cells.
The following year, we took a much-needed family vacation and went to California. We flew into LAX and began driving south. The purple icicle plant was in full bloom as we drove on the freeways; it was beautiful. I said to Chuck, "Why is it we live where we do?" as back in Rochester, there was snow, mud and slush for another 6 weeks. That was when the seed was planted to contemplate a move West.
Chuck was ready, as he had been a carpenter and had to work in the Northeast weather. NY can be cold in the winter; negative 10-below is no stranger to our parts. Nick, who would be a Junior in High School, said "Why not?" Rachael would be a freshman and said the same. I was a bit hesitant, as I felt safe where I was. I had great friends who would/did do anything for me; I had a great medical team who saved my life. I was scared to jinx myself by leaving. You know the old saying... You don't know what you've got til it’s gone." I was afraid to willingly just give all that up.
But we did.. We decided to move and drive....
For the record, I still give the kids the birthday cards I bought for them 6 years ago. But I'm much happier to be able to do it in person. And cancer? Well cancer isn't so bad....
